Here's what you do.

Catch a respiratory virus that gives you a persistent cough for 10 days (so far). And I mean persistent - I cannot overstate this point. Even after a full dose of NyQuil (or more), you should lie awake in bed for hours, unable to stop. Convulse with the effort of coughing out every last bit of your breath, then take a big gasping inhalation (sometimes only halfway in), before falling back into the next cascade of coughs. Repeat "n" times.

To slim down & better show off your abs, it would also help to accompany this with a sore throat that makes you completely uninterested in eating (or ideally, unable to do so).

I'm not saying that my plan is actually yielding any beneficial results, but hey, it's only day 10. And at least I have a plan.